I am aware that when I “lose it’ with my kids it usually has little to do with their behavior, no matter how taxing, embarrassing or outrageous it may be, and everything to do with judging myself.

When I stay present, both with my children and myself, and choose to just listen and be with them through their struggle or tantrum, I find the situation diffuses more rapidly. And often my response is much more creative, compassionate, and effective. I am able to use my child’s meltdown as an opportunity for learning, love, connection, and healing rather than a moment where I say something I don’t mean or lose my temper – which of course I invariably regret once I have calmed down.

When my child has a meltdown or acts inappropriately it’s so easy for me to move into a place of self-judgment. The inner dialogue goes something like this… “what have I done wrong? I don’t know how to parent! I must not be giving him what he needs. Am I raising a spoiled child? I should have handled this differently. Everyone must think I’m a horrible parent or that my child is fill in the blank.” Usually this kind of internal dialogue is a result of one or more of the following mistaken beliefs:

• I am responsible for making my children happy and fixing their problems.
• This one moment defines me or my child and this is how my child will be from this moment forth.
• I am not good enough.

The guilt and self judgment take me away from being present with my son, holding him, wiping away his tears and simply being with him during his struggle. In this state of self- recrimination I am usually mad at myself, but end up taking it out on my child. On the other hand, I am aware that when I simply embrace my child both physically, and with my words, and I simply wait, listen, and say “I hear you…I hear that you are very upset right now and when you are done crying we will talk about it…” he calms down. When I’m able to be there for my son without judgment, a meltdown just becomes another moment of connection and whatever upset he is experiencing melts away.

Sometimes, on days when it’s difficult to move past my frustration, I find just being silent is enough. The issue does not always need to be explored. My son and I can simply benefit and heal from the being with one another as he moves through it (as long as he is not hurting himself or others and then of course I would intervene). Other times I need to allow him to have his feelings and then reflect those feelings. Sometimes I find it helps to narrate and say, “you seem really angry (or sad, frustrated, etc…) right now. It seems like you really wanted that toy.” Once he calms down, then I have a chance to talk about positive choices, create a boundary, or help him think of a solution. Because I have remained calm, centered, and balanced, my son is usually receptive and able to listen. I find that how I help my children process the experience and understand their reality defines their experience much more than the event itself.

Guilt and judgment take us away from the present moment with our kids. When I get upset, it is because I am judging myself as somehow having failed as parent, but when I just embrace his tears, love him, and stay present as he falls apart – with no thought other than to be with him – his meltdown, melts away.